If you’re like me, you helped burn down LA and steal TVs in 1992. It was something we had to do, in the name of Civil Rights.
At the center of the Riots was Rodney King, a man that invented “Videotaping police brutality with your iPhone and posting it online” long before the advent of the iPhone, and when “online” was a dial-up luxury of the government, military and computer nerds. Yes, kids, back then, only nerds were into computers.
The video of Rodney getting his ass beat by the po-pos went “Viral,” which back then meant a VHS tape being dropped off at Channel 7’s office and getting aired around the country the next day.
The cops were arrested and later found Not Guilty, on the grounds of the infamous “3 Fifths of a 2x4” Clause of California’s Constitution, which stated Negros can get hit with anything smaller than a Bus Stop. (The Clause was later removed by Governor Schwarzenegger, to win over disgruntled Gary Coleman voters).
Like true Patriots (as in the football team, not as in decent folks willing to fight for what’s right with an ounce of integrity) the populace of LA began to burn down the city. Most people regard it as a Race Riot, although there were plenty of white guys dressed like Axl Rose schlepping stereos out of Circuit City.
Rodney King, whose only crime was driving at 150mph while drunk on Crack and resisting arrest, uttered a question that shook up the world (and which he probably stole from Sesame Street) “Can’t We All Get Along?”
The Riots eventually winded down, as the Rioters returned to their Fortune 500 CEO jobs, leaving the Korean store owners to wonder aloud “Why I No Get Insurance??”
Rodney King healed and faded out of the public light. He later resurfaced for a stint on the Vh1 Hippocratic Oath-free reality series Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew, along with the guy that sang “Rico Suave” and Aaron Carter. Or whoever was on that season.
In 2012, Rodney King was given his very own CNN Special, to celebrate the 20 Year Anniversary of his beating, and to help infuriate Blacks against Trayvon killer George Zimmerman. The “Not much has changed since 1992”-themed show was hosted by some female of ambiguous race, with plenty of slow-motion footage of LA Cops snickering at the camera. Rodney King’s interview was, of course, impossible to understand for anyone 2 shades lighter than Akon, but the message was… well, I’m not sure, I speak English. Racial Experts were interviewed, of course, to confirm that America is in terrible shape. Although I was busy watching Fresh Prince reruns at the time, I assume that the Black Professor with the crazy hair was there to give his 2 cents.
On June 17, 2012, Rodney King was found dead at the bottom of his swimming pool, presumably drowned by the LAPD or his racist fiance.
Let me point out what CNN never will: The Poster Child for American Racism, the Victim of Victims, the Embodiment of Demonstration against American Evil, died in his very own swimming pool. And that, my friends, shows that America is a place where anyone can make it. Or, at least, anyone can own a swimming pool paid for with Credit Card overdraws, Crack Deals and Food Stamps.
God Bless America.