In 1999, I turned 12.
It was a much different time than now.
The president, Bill Clinton, was in hot water for getting blown by a 21-year-old intern named Monica Lewinsky. Back then, 21 seemed pretty old to me. I was excited by the scandal, since it had to do with sex. A classmate explained to me what a blowjob was—it’s when a girl sucks your dick until you pee in her mouth. It sounded awesome. I admired the president for his act, and could relate to his perversions. He was my hero.
In those days, I had never gotten to see tits. I only knew what they looked like from biology textbook illustrations and my own stickfigure drawings. A classmate told me about a website called girls.com. (I think it was the same genius that explained the blowjob to me. That guy is probably a fulltime OBGYN now). He informed me that said website contained pictures of girls, and naked ones at that. The next time I was home alone, I dialed into the internet on an archaic modem and visited the web page.
It was the single most exciting event of my life, even to this day. I still remember the pictures of the beautiful nude girls on the site, and I’m getting a semi-boner just reminiscing about it now. Each picture that I clicked took about 2 minutes to load, which made me cherish every pixel. I didn’t know how to jack off, which might make me look like a full-blown retard. I should point out that since that day I have learned how to masturbate, and have gotten a fair amount of practice at it.
These days, our national sex scandal involves a guy named Weiner tweeting pictures of his weiner. It should make any 12-year-old laugh himself into a coma, but the only people delighted by this scandal are adult reporters and political junkies. The kids don’t give a shit. They are too busy browsing their 4G smartphones for HD videos of barely-legal incest survivors taking it in every oraphis from members of every race. The Weiner scandal means nothing to these spoiled, rotten brats.
The simple joys of yesteryear are long gone. This new generation of heathen porn-addicts have no appreciation for the grandiose spectacle of a political figure being caught with his pants down. They barely even cackle at the word weiner. It’s sick.
How do we explain to these kids that Anothony Weiner’s weiner should be of interest to them? They have so much exposure to internet porn that nothing is special anymore. Nothing is sacred.
If I ever have a son, I will take him to the 20th Century Museum to see the tainted Lewinsky dress and other historical artifacts. I will try to teach him about the world I grew up in. And if he’s not busy looking at 3D alien porn on his built-in temple chip, maybe he’ll get the point. Maybe he’ll see that sometimes it’s the simpler things in life that matter. Like going to the museum. Like making fun of Weiner’s weiner pics.